Today has been the worst day in a long time, even though I did not think that a worse state was possible. Frustration is definitely getting the best of me. All of this pressure is taking an enormous toll on my mental health, and now I’m suffering due to my slow realization of the negative effects I have been forcing upon myself. I’ve noticed that I am definitely not as happy as I used to be when spending time around my friends and family. Although this was an upsetting realization for me, I am significantly unsure as to how to fix this depressing situation. Ever since the start of the school year, I have been stuck inside the house trying to get all of my school work done and extracurriculars organised, and I never get to go out and do any leisure activities. The first couple of months of this altered lifestyle were fine; I certainly felt lonely, but I was able to get loads of work done and I was doing exceptional in all of my classes. After a while though, I started to feel overwhelmingly upset and alone. I kept trying to work hard and push myself to my outer-most limits, while becoming further and further discouraged that I was not getting anywhere, and that I would not be able to accomplish the tasks placed ahead of me.
No matter how hard I work to maintain my grades; skipping social events, extracurriculars, and losing sleep, I never seem to feel the benefits of this hard work. Although everyone around me convinced me that all my hardwork would better my own personal life, it seems as though there is never enough time to admire what I have accomplished before there is a need to worry about the next commitment. Being at the top of your grade academically, participating in several extracurriculars, spending time with family, getting a job, and volunteering in the community are only a few of the activities that most parents, coaches, and teachers automatically expect teenagers to balance these days. With the overwhelming amount of expectations that adults have for students in high school in today’s world, many teens just as myself are suffering while continuing to make every possible attempt to do well. All students want those who care about them to be proud of their accomplishments; but in today’s day and age, adult satisfaction is progressively becoming less attainable for most teens.
Realizing that I have become stressed seemingly beyond repair is one thing, but discovering an effective method to repair these broken links inside my head and putting that plan to action is another. Even though it would be lovely not to have to go through these difficult emotions everyday, I do not understand how I could change this aspect of my life while still managing to accomplish everything that I am required to complete on a day to day basis. In a way, I have become trapped in carrying out several necessary day-to-day motions in order to continue accomplishing responsibilities at the pace that I currently am, although I do not feel as though I am learning from this experience or growing to be able to complete a larger quantity of tasks. I wish that I was not born with this ongoing fight in my mind. If I continue to beat myself up over how much school work I ‘should’ have gotten done each night, my mental health with proceed to disintegrate until I convince myself that I am a bad person; even though I am already my worst critic.
To close things off, I want to reiterate my frustration of the negative state I have allowed myself to slip into. Everyone's expectations for my life have taken over how I look at myself. Sadly, being stressed all the time has come as a consequence to these overpowering expectations and now I have decided that my happiness should not be directly affected by the work I must complete for school. I am truly ashamed that I am so incredibly hard on myself, and I have come to terms with the fact that I need to reach out to others for help, because I clearly cannot manage my stress and personal thoughts at this point in my life. I plan to immediately create a plan of action, which will work towards diminishing and possibility eliminating these depressing emotions through asking those I care about for help. I now recognize that reaching out to my parents, grandparents, and teachers for help is not an act of selfishness, but rather is crucial for my mental condition to progressively improve. Just as I want to help those I deeply care about as much as I can, my mental state will never get any better if I am scared to ask for that help off of someone else. Today was the worst day ever, but tomorrow I will begin to change my world. Bethany xx